I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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