Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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