took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just gift wrapped bread.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
