Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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