Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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