there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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