The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
