I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
