Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
