Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
