birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
be right there i have to get my cape
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
