I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
