There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
