i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Randomize
