I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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