My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
