I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
