just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
