I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
