I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
