So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
