The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
