he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
