On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
