WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We got so high we made milksteak
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
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Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
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I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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