I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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