i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
