If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
