I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
