Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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