You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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