god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
