I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
