I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
