They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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