Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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