Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
