Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
