It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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