So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
