Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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