i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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