His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
