"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
