my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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