i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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