Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
