what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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