do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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