I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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