hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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