He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
