he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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