Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
