Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Randomize
