remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
