when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
