I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
