On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
