I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
